Why Grief Does Not Move in Stages.
Grief is often described using stages. This language suggests a sequence, a progression from one emotional state to another, eventually leading to resolution. The idea of stages can offer a sense of structure, especially when people are trying to understand something unfamiliar or overwhelming. At the same time, many people find that their lived experience of grief does not follow this pattern.
For some, grief arrives suddenly and intensely. For others, it moves quietly in the background. It may feel manageable one day and unrecognizable the next. Feelings can repeat, overlap, or disappear for long stretches before returning. These shifts are not signs of regression or delay. They reflect the nature of grief as something that does not move in a straight line.
The most widely recognized stage framework comes from psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who introduced the model in 1969 in her book On Death and Dying. Her work described five emotional responses commonly observed in people facing terminal illness: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Although originally developed to describe the experiences of patients confronting their own mortality, the model was later broadly applied to bereavement and other forms of loss.
The concept of stages was never meant to be a rulebook. Kübler-Ross herself emphasized that these responses are not linear, predictable, or experienced by everyone. They were intended to describe common patterns, not prescribe how grief should unfold. Over time, however, the language became simplified and widely circulated. In the process, it sometimes created expectations that grief would move predictably from one stage to another.
When real experience does not align with this expectation, people may feel out of sync. They may wonder whether they are grieving correctly, or whether something has been missed or prolonged. This concern often comes from comparison rather than from the grief itself.
Grief is shaped by many factors. The nature of the relationship, the circumstances of the loss, personal history, and cultural context all play a role. In California, where families and communities often include a wide range of cultural traditions and personal beliefs, expressions of grief vary significantly. No single framework can capture all of these experiences.
Loss can be processed cognitively, emotionally, physically, or in ways that are difficult to define. Some people feel grief in waves, others as a steady presence. Some notice it most in quiet moments, others during ordinary routines. It can coexist with moments of calm or even joy without diminishing its significance.
The idea of stages can unintentionally suggest that grief has a finish line. In reality, many people find that grief changes rather than ends. It may become less consuming, or it may surface differently as time passes. Anniversaries, life transitions, or unexpected reminders can bring it forward again, even after long periods of stability.
This does not mean that grief is unresolved. It means that loss continues to have a place in a person’s life. The relationship that existed does not disappear simply because time moves forward. Grief reflects that ongoing connection, even as circumstances change.
Understanding grief as non linear can reduce the pressure to move through it in a particular way. It can allow space for variability without labeling it as progress or setback. Grief does not need to be measured or categorized to be valid.
Some days may feel quieter. Others may feel heavy without a clear reason. Both can exist within the same experience of loss. Grief does not follow a schedule, and it does not announce its shifts in advance.
There is no universal path through grief. There is only the movement that occurs, the pauses that follow, and the presence of what has been lost alongside what continues. Allowing grief to exist without stages can make room for a more honest understanding of how loss is lived over time.
Silence, repetition, and unpredictability are not failures of grief. They are often its most accurate expressions.
About Anubis
Anubis Cremations serves families throughout California, providing cremation services with a calm, transparent, and environmentally conscious approach. The organization focuses on clarity, legal compliance, and respectful care, supporting families as they navigate practical and emotional decisions around death.
Learn more at https://anubiscremations.com/
